Super Star Wars: Return of the Jedi (1995)
I’d always felt that Star Wars: Return of the Jedi got a bit of a raw deal. There was no Internet or any other poison like that in 1983, but I still can’t imagine what kind of hype must have been bubbling for this film, a film tasked with bringing the Star Wars series to a boil, after A New Hope stuck the kettle on and The Empire Strikes Back turned up the heat.
You’re trying to wrap up two films that floored viewers when they came out, and you’re tasked with bringing everything to a close. The audience will naturally be disappointed by the film’s presence itself, in that it’s the last one and there’s not gonna be any more Star Wars. So much for all that, eh?
Continue reading “Yes, she was Luke’s sister, but that gold bikini…”
I’ve had manys a job in my time, you know. I’ve managed a theme park, briefly. I swear, you bring in thousands of children a week without getting a hint of recogition, but five or six go missing and suddenly the newspapers can’t get enough of it – not for me, thanks. I followed that up with a stint in town planning, but I had to knock that on the head as well.
Those citizens were driving me up the wall, going on about open sewers or something, and they kept opposing my plan for a downtown public incinerator. Once I began emblazoning my face on every billboard, poster and bus-stop I could find, and announced my intention to create a Ministry of Truth, the game was up.
Continue reading “A sword on the ground, a God in the clouds, a pox on the populace”
Super Scope 6 (1992)
When things go bump in the night and the wife’s jewellery is about to get fleeced by junkie housebreakers, you can forget about any kind of fancy house alarm systems – you need a good weapon under your bed. Of course, if you’re getting burglarized in the United States, you can just charge down with a semi-automatic and blow the goddamned methheads away before they can do the same to you. Here in trendy Europe, we take the much more humane approach of smashing invaders’ skulls instead.
Continue reading “When danger threatens your crown jewels, a plastic hunk could make all the difference”
Secret of Evermore (1996)
Although I do like cats more, I definitely agree with the assertation that dogs are a man’s best friend. Yes, I know there’s some dogs out there that are specifically trained to kill on sight, and won’t even consider easing their jaws until you’ve become dead meat. Well, those doggies aren’t your friends. But you know those lovably dumb dogs that follow you everywhere, always want to know what you’re doing, and get all over-excited when you come home. You couldn’t invent a better pet if you tried, could you?
Continue reading “A man and his dog is a bond that lasts forevermore”
Tetris Attack (1996)
I’m all about nominative determinism lately, the idea that people subconsciously choose their path in life based on their own last name. So if your surname is Wainwright, you might find yourself gravitating towards owning a brothel as you’ll be well used to dealing with wagons. I once met someone with the last name Victory, and I’ll tell you this, he was no loser. if your last name is Cooper, then hard luck, barrel making probably isn’t much of a viable trade anymore. But you could always marry someone of last name Ramsbottom and eke out a living there.
Continue reading “A puzzle game by any other name would play as sweet”
Super Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (1994)
I remember it well: I was an ignorant young child of about six or seven years old, doing pretty well on Super Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back for SNES until hitting a wall in the Battle of Hoth level – or hitting the legs of the Imperial Walkers, more likely. There I was, shooting a million laser blasts into the things, and getting absolutely nowhere.
It really could have been a million laser blasts I fired as well, because I didn’t do anything else as a child except play games. Only a child could have that level of patience and determination. Thoroughly defeated, I asked that font of gaming knowledge, my older brother, for some help. And he told me that I had to use the tow cable to bring the big daddies down, just like the movie. To which I replied in utmost shock: “There’s a movie?!?”
Continue reading “You’ll need the balls of Han Solo if you’re going to take on the whole Empire yourself”
Soul Blazer (1994)
Picture the scene: it’s a lovely summer’s evening and you’re having your usual merry walk or Sunday drive. But hold up – something’s spoiling the beautiful view. Yes, it’s worse than those roadworks that never, ever seem to get finished.
They’re more unsightly than those rent-a-scrote apartment blocks that were planned, designed and vomited into your town’s landscape in a mere two weeks. And they’re even more abundant than the seven hundred road signs contradicting your driving every five seconds. Yes, it’s the dreaded election posters, and that means there’s change abrewing in the government.
Continue reading “Been spending most their lives, living in a Blazer’s paradise”
Mortal Kombat (SNES) (1993)
Well, what’s the most selfish thing you’ve ever done? Mine? I gave blood once. Sounds more selfless really, but note: there is a massive, King-Kong sized emphasis on ‘once’ there. I still haven’t been back up to that clinic to give any more of my precious life fluid, despite their constant texts and calls to action. And in fact, I only went along to do it because the girl I liked was going too.
Continue reading “Much ado about blood, sweat, vomit and spinal cords”
Mario Paint (1992)
In the pre-Internet days, if you wanted to have a bit of fun on your computer, there weren’t many options. Command and Conquer and Civilization II were always great shouts, although what if you’d just been thoroughly trounced by the AI and you couldn’t face the thought of going back into the arena?
You always need something to fall back on. Inevitably it was Solitaire, that delightful Space Pinball game and even Minesweeper that bridged the gap for you. Once even those options were exhausted however, and once you finally gave up trying to understand Hearts, Spider Solitaire or Reversi, you eventually turned towards trusty old Microsoft Paint.
Continue reading “Paint me like one of your Italian plumbers”
Kirby’s Dream Land 3 (1997)
So they say school days are the best days of your life, do they? Hmmm, I wonder. It’s a lot less responsibility, that’s for sure. And you were able to get away with a lot more immaturity back then, but that’s a silly argument. Both you and I still find farts funny to this day, right?
And the adult world might seem pretty scary and confusing at times as well, but that doesn’t necessarily mean school is a walk in the park, especially if you were a bit of a dumbo. Or a bit ugly or a bit ginger or a bit bespectacled or a bit fat, or in the most hopeless cases all four.
Continue reading “They were the best days of your life, so long as you kept your panties clean”