It’s just a set of eight new sprites, and none of them with smegma hair

Mega Man 6 (1994)

The other day, when my good friend’s young daughter proudly showed me a picture she’d drawn of me, I was absolutely chuffed to buggery. She is four years old and was drawing me from memory, so of course a few artistic licences were taken. I don’t have eight spindly legs, to my knowledge. And I certainly don’t have bile green skin with smegma yellow hair.

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It’s the fastest circuit board on two wheels

Excitebike (1986)

A friend of mine recently expressed his desire to dispense with that ozone-killing, turtle-plastic-trapping deathmachine known as a car, and instead get himself a motorbike. It’s a lot more nimble, he said, and would get him to and from the train station or the shops a lot quicker.

Cheaper to run too, of course, and I imagine less chance for something to go wrong. Well, it all sounded very green to me, though not as green as his even more outrageous intention to test drive and intentionally buy an electric car. Still, his motorcycle wish was definitely up there in the madness stakes.

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Top 5 Gaming Valentines

Top 5 Gaming Valentines (2021)

St. Valentine’s Day is one of those obstacles that everyone has to get past, unfortunately – a day of painful reminders for the singletons, and an absolute minefield for those of us actually in a relationship. Still, I’m sure we all lap up a good romance in fiction, and that extends to gaming – even if the beau and the belle are little more than 8-bit pixels. Whether you live for February 14th, or whether you can’t wait for the whole rigmarole to be over, our look at five of gaming’s power couples should help get you in the Valentine’s mood.

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Beer, boobs, hospitals and punctuality. Does it get more German than that?

Double Dragon (1990)

I’m well versed in hospitals, you know. I don’t mean medical hospitals – dreadful places, you know. Full of death, and suffering, and the nurses are nowhere near as up for it as several video tapes from my youth had led me to believe. I did have cause to visit a general hospital in my adult years, in order to have a flap of skin cut off the end of my gentleman’s area.

And I was gutted, you know, as that was the only bill I ever paid in full and I still ended up getting cut off. I was unlikely to get the blind circumciser at least – that guy got the sack. At least my surgeon wasn’t money hungry anyway; some of those guys are only in it for the tips.

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The transformation of Mega Man into Gomer Pyle Man

Mega Man 5 (1992)

As Mega Man embarks on his fifth death-defying adventure, I feel I must finally lift my head above the parapet. It’s time for me to be a little bit ethical here, and ask that difficult question: are we sure Mega Man isn’t traumatised by now? I suppose the logical answer to this is that he is a robot, and robots don’t suffer from PTSD.

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